So, after at least a couple years of talking big every time I saw that
taunting, tantalising bag on the shelf with its old-timey truck dumping out a potato
that is inexplicably being wavily sliced, I finally bought President's
Choice Thick Cut Ballpark Hot Dog Flavour Potato Chips (and with a name
that long, how could things possibly go wrong?). And now, so you don't
have to, I'm going to eat some of these. What will happen? I really
don't know. All I can say is that I am (justifiably, I think) a wee bit
trepidatious.
They smell pretty good. Mostly like ketchup chips. Oh, I forgot to
mention: the product description on the front of the bag states: "made
with a hot dog, mustard and relish flavoured seasoning." Yup. And YUM,
right?!
They look good, speckled with umber dust that I could mistake for paprika under poorer lighting conditions. Here goes!
Umm... they're horrifyingly delicious. Remember back in the days when
meat was on the menu and you, for some reason, got a burger at McDonalds
and forgot to tell them "NO PICKLES" and when you got the burger and
saw the pickles after peeling back the slightly soggy bun just to see
what was going on underneath in some sort of redemptive self-flagellation, you were too hungry and beaten-down/resigned
to take them off (and, really, though, that's a pretty sad level, but
who hasn't been there?) and you ate the burger anyway, pickles and all?
(yes, that was a question. Go back to the beginning if you don't believe
me.) That's mostly what these taste like. Take that, McDonalds: your
burgers taste like fake hot dog seasoning!
I'm somewhat nonplussed by the lack of mustard flavour. That's
definitely the part I was most looking forward to. Get on that, Hostess
or HumptyDumpty or whatever chip companies there are that would consider
a mustard flavoured potato chip.
To answer the question on everyone's little walnut: no, they don't taste
all that hot doggy. Well, at least not veggie doggy. Sorry - I forget
what "real" hot dogs taste like (though I feel safe in saying: not like
this). Mostly relishy, pickley.
To answer ANOTHER question - this one being the one I posed in the title
of this post/review (yes! A potato chip review!)- I'm leaning more
toward oh gods, YES! Also, irrelevantly (unless you respect your cat's choices in foodstuffs), Sam cat seems to approve: he's been circling me
like a shark circles chum since I opened the bag. I wouldn't necessarily
buy them again, but if I were ever at some sort of do that wasn't
happening at my apartment and there was an open bag of these, I'd
probably plonk myself down in the chair nearest them.
So, when I first thought about this list (and it's actually been quite a while since I've, you know, codified things like this), I couldn't think of much for my list that wasn't released by Grindcore Karaoke (and 3 of my top albums came from that label - and there were very nearly several more). But, when I dug more deeply, researched more thoroughly, I realised: well, sir: 2011 was a grand year for new music.
And what a year for grind, huh?! The aforementioned label, shit-tons (yup) of solid releases, news of a (I don't know quite the word for it, but let's go with: Memorial): Nasum Memorial Tour and probably a bunch of other cool shit.
Without further ado! My list of 13 releases 'cause why not? I actually ordered them this year, too! (a caveat first: as all who know me know, I am, typically, notoriously bad at saying anything when I say things about music, but here goes)
1. Cloud Rat - s/t
Blistering, angry, vivid, intelligent, really well-executed grinding . Very effective and much more affective than pretty much all grind-related shit I've ever heard. It's like if you took some roiling mass of chaos and wrapped it tightly in palletwrap; the chaos seethes and surges and spits and snarls but it can't break free (palletwrap is a brilliant control mechanism, ya see). Favourite tune: "Dwell"
2. Human Touch - s/t
As soon as I heard the yelling intro to demo opener "Youth Prison," I knew I'd found a winner. And gang shout choruses! From there things maintain the intensity in this wickedly tuneful, angry, engaged, engaging hardcore. And just wait for the if-you-don't-feel-like-shouting-along-with-it-check-your-PULSE! awesome title track. Full o' anthemic, fist-pumping catharsis. Favourite tune: "Human Touch"
3. Autopsy - Macabre Eternal
Generally, my response to death metal is "meh," but I have this gaping, festering hole of a soft-spot for Autopsy and their grimy, filthy, slimy vomitus. It's the atmosphere and the feel and the Chris Reifert! Favourite tune: "Always about to Die"
4. Lock Up - Necropolis Transparent
It's a total ripper. Just like you'd expect from Lock Up. Favourite tune: "Unseen Enemy"
5. Rotten Sound - Cursed
Another throat-ripping grinder. Seriously good year for this shit. And such a thick sound. Favourite tune: "Ritual"
6. Fen - Epoch
One of those post-black metal bands... It's so spacious, expansive, expressive. Favourite tune: "A Waning Solace"
7. Punch - Nothing Lasts
Wicked hardcore again. Angry, engaging. And full of outstanding breakdowns. Holy moly! Favourite tune: "Time Apart"
8. Brutal Truth - End Time
Brutal Truth! Rich Hoak! (anything involving Rich Hoak is kind of awesome - Total Fucking Destruction almost made this list, too). And any time I mention Rich Hoak is a wonderful excuse for this!: Photo by Christian Misje Favourite tune: "Killing Planet Earth"
9. Drugs of Faith - Corroded
Richard Johnson has a wicked shout. And shouts yells screams yowls rages in wicked grind bands. Favourite tune: "Hidden Costs"
10. Circle of Ouroborus - Eleven Fingers
Another spacious post-black metal sort of thing. Really effective at an oxymoronic claustrophobic expansiveness. Favourite tune: "Sigil of Suns"
11. Tasseomancy - Ulalume
The band formerly known as Ghost Bees are back with neo-folk which is sparse sparse sparse. Echoing, lonely, melancholic, eerie, spidery, enchanting. Favourite tune: "Diana"
12. Death Grips - Exmilitary
Dark, esoteric, experimental hip hop (who would ever have expected those words on one of my year-end lists, huh?!). Challenging, full of great beats and huge vocals. Favourite tune: "Beware"
Tom Waits - Bad as Me
This doesn't really count in my ordered list. Any album Tom Waits releases gets picked up in my year end list. It doesn't even matter. Some really good hiccuping rock 'n' roll on this one. Favourite tune: "Get Lost"
Oh, and another one that would've made this list if I'd been certain of its release date: Soundtrack to the Life of a Car Nearly Driving Into the Pacific by Richard Laviolette. I'm not sure if this was a 2011 release or late-2010, so it's not on here. Just in case. But, as always, damn great stuff from Mr. Laviolette. "Bats" is my favourite from this one.
The full list of contenders (that made it past the final cuts, that is - there was actually a metric shit-tonne more releases that I heard this year. Almost all of which were released by the aforementioned GK):
Akitsa - Auprès de la mort, triomphant! Altar of Plagues - Mammal Autopsy - Macabre Eternal Bestower - s/t Bird - 2011 Demo Brutal Truth - End Time Circle of Ouroborus - Eleven Fingers Cloud Rat - Fever Dreams Cloud Rat - s/t Craft - Void Death Grips - Exmilitary Despise You/Agoraphobic Nosebleed - And On and On... Drugs of Faith - Corroded Earth - Angels of Darkness, Demons of Light I Fags Hate God - Viscera Fen - Epoch Hoglust - Support Hate Human Touch - s/t Inerds - Choice Cuts Inerds - Stonewall Kate Bush - 50 Words for Snow Les Cowboys Fringants - Que du vent Lock Up - Necropolis Transparent Mournful Congregation - The Book of Kings Of the Wand and the Moon - The Lone Descent PJ Harvey - Let England Shake Punch - Nothing Lasts Rotten Sound - Cursed Soror Dolorosa - Blind Scenes Tasseomancy - Ulalume Tom Waits - Bad as Me Total Fucking Destruction - Hater Toxic Holocaust - Conjure and Command Vintersorg - Jordpuls Weekend Nachos - Worthless Ygg - Ygg
And, as a final thought: this show - an amazing back-and-forth between Cloud Rat and Inerds:
What better time to do this than while hungover on New Year's Day?
1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?
huh. I can't think of anything really exceptional. Nothing standoutish. It was mostly a year of plodding along, scraping through, getting by, wrapping my head around the world.
OH!: drink Old Fashioneds. MAN! SO DELICIOUS!
2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Last year I said: "Use more footnotes! Write more, create more. Be better, be less disappointing."
I used no footnotes.
I did write more, for a while. (Jürgen struggled , until the end of September, so so close to 60 000 words.)
I was no better.
I was no less disappointing.
For this year:
Again, write more.
Do more.
Be more.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Nope.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Nope.
5. What countries did you visit?
Went to PEI for about a week in August. That was a wonderfully enjoyable temporary escape.
6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
A job that I enjoy on at least some level. You see, I do understand that I am fortunate to have a job that lets me afford food and shelter and have a little left over at the end of the day, but it would be nice to find something I enjoy, that is fulfilling, that means something more than a paycheque. But a paycheque is certainly appreciated.
At least one completed work of something I can genuinely say is Good - you know: writing, music - that sort of thing. Or, failing that (which is an inevitability), more and stronger work on Jürgen.
Being an all-around better fella'd be all right, too.
7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
June 17 - Jeanette Winterson's reading at the library. She's been my favourite writer since either the first time I read The Passion (there are no books I've read and re-read more) or the first time I re-opened Sexing the Cherry. She signed my copy of The Passion and it was, all-in-all, quite an exciting evening.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I wasn't, you know, replete with achievement, but I am quite happy with how some of what I added to Jürgen turned out.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Not doing enough of what I feel makes me me.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nothing serious.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Maybe Why Be Happy When You Could Be Normal? It's pretty great. I can't really think of any other stand out purchases of the year.
12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
G.'s. Always and ever G.'s.
13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
14. Where did most of your money go?
Rent, vet bills, food, booze.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
From most to least: G. Sam and Hailey. Jeanette Winterson. Darkthrone. (they had this big resurgence with me. I can't really explain it, but they just started hitting me again. And I LOVE IT!)
16. What songs will always remind you of 2011?
I can't really think of any specific songs. Maybe "Beware" by Death Grips. Other than that, I think 2011 would mostly be remembered in bands: Richard Laviolette and The Oil Spills and Cloud Rat
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Neither, really. 2011 was pretty level, I think. A bit more resigned, but keepin' on! b) thinner or fatter? About the same, I'm pretty sure. A bit heavier, though, I believe. c) richer or poorer? Poorer for a while—took some time to recover from more expensive rent coupled with heavy vet bills and a trip to PEI. But climbing back up!
18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Cool things. Engaging. Writing - I spend so much time sitting at my computer not writing. Why don't I turn some of that time into sitting at my computer writing?
19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Complaining. Being disappointing.
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Spent it at the apartment and had a nice surprise visit from the folks.
21. Did you fall in love in 2010?
Every single day in endless turnings and spirallings
22. How many one-night stands?
23. What was your favourite TV program?
Breaking Bad and Mad Men and Downton Abbey and I don't think we watched much else?
24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Don't think so.
25. What was the best book you read?
My favourite question! I keep a list of everything I read. In WORDPERFECT (BECAUSE I CAN)!
In the order in which I read them (the top 20 of the 77 I made it through):
Sheila Heti - How Should a Person Be? Roddy Doyle - Paddy Clarke Ha Ha Ha James Joyce - Ulysses Günter Grass - The Box Susan Orlean - The Orchid Thief Nicholas Evans - The Loop Anne Carson - Nox Cathy Malkasian - Temperance Leanne Shapton - Important Artifacts and Personal Property from the Collection of Lenore Doolan and Harold Morris, Including Books, Street Fashion, and Jewelry: Saturday, 14 February 2009, New York (Strachan & Quinn Auctioneers) Zadie Smith - Changing My Mind Werner Herzog - Conquest of the Useless: Reflections from the Making of Fitzcarraldo Haruki Murakami - The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle Margaret Atwood - The Blind Assassin Timothy Findley - Not Wanted on the Voyage Adam Levin - The Instructions Christopher Boucher - How to Keep Your Volkswagen Alive John Sayles - A Moment in the Sun Dani Couture - Algoma Jeanette Winterson - Why Be Happy When You Could Be Normal? Esi Edugyan - Half-Blood Blues
The last few days, it’s been really hot (grossly hot, breath-haltingly hot [okay, maybe that was just yesterday. But yesterday was when I noticed this convergence, so the excessive heat needed to be mentioned built up exaggerated, like some sort of pathetic fallacy mimicking, I don’t know, the bubbling frenzy in my brain as the gears churned and churned and heated up in that capacious space between my ears. And mentioned not least of all because it adds to my meagre narrative. And pathetic fallacy’s always a good time.]) and you know that haze that comes to really hot cities? You know it, sure: the haze that drapes itself across the city like a damp sheet of cheesecloth and changes the feel of the air and changes the colour texture tone of the air and everything around you. Well, I’ve been sitting at my desk at work the last couple days, looking out my window at the diffused dimmed muted light of the skyline and I realised that the colour texture tone of the view outside my window matches almost exactly the colour palette of The Sea of Ice by Caspar David Friedrich.
The buildings around me match the spikes spires broken sheets of ice in colour and tone and—with my farfromperfect eyesight smoothing out (and that muslin haze helping, too) the more distant buildings—even in texture; and it’s not much of a stretch to see those slabs of ice as huge chunks of buildings crumbled collapsed. There are several buildings with cranes roosting on their roofs; the cranes with their long necks (masts) and guy-wires (rigging) that whisper their way into the broken empty husk of the shipwreck.
Ever since I set The Sea of Ice as my work computer’s desktop background, I’ve been seeing it everywhere; the concrete slabs that form the beach at Tommy Thompson Park, any violently thrown-together pile of things and now, outside my workplace window.
Though, at the same time, it’s a strong juxtaposition, too; the painting is all about the power, the overwhelming might of Nature; the utter disregard of Nature for the human world and the view outside my window is more the human attempts at overwhelming Nature, the utter disregard of humanity for Nature (though Nature is patient and resilient and insinuative and just look at any cracking splitting pavement for a glimpse of this and maybe The Sea of Ice also works as portent in a sort of fun dystopian way).
If I were disgustingly rich and the painting were for sale, I would buy it and hang it on my wall and set a chair in front of it and just sit and sit and watch and sit and stare and sit and talk to it and sit and sit
So, I'm trying my hand at crafting a bonsai. This is my first attempt and it'll probably end badly, but I'll enjoy it every step of the way. It's so soothing, so calming, so relaxing, so another synonym. I like just looking at the thing and thinking about how to do things with it.
I've also started looking at trees differently, more closely.
When I first brought this little guy (juniperus procumbens nana - a typical firstling) home, it was very lush and way too full. As this is my first attempt at bonsai, I wanted to bring things down to a very sparse, open shape, so I could get an idea of how the branches looked, how to reshape the branches, how to manipulate the tree.
And, when I was looking at that lush, full tree, I saw a lovely flow between the two main branches; there was a fluid motion, anactive shape that I felt needed to be exposed. So, I started chopping. And maybe I chopped a bit too much, but I like where we've ended up.
So, without further ado, pictures.
As it was in the beginning:
After the first couple prunings (notice the flow of the two main branches starting to reveal itself; maybe you'll like it, too!):
And today, I made my first attempt at wiring. I was a bit nervous about this — didn't want to do any damage (I've decided to do my damage in other ways, apparently). But, once I started in on wrapping the wire, I felt quite a lot better about it. We'll see how it went in a few weeks.
So, here's how the tree looks tonight (almost entirely bare):
Front (for now):
Back (again, for now [obviously, since if I decide to make the front the not-front, then the back can't be not the not-back]):
I still haven't decided what to do with that weird little branch that's sticking up in the middle, but I don't want to get rid of it and I don't think it looks right as it is. I'm going to sit on it for a while, though.
Looking forward to taking the wire off in a few weeks/a month to see if the branches kept their new shapes.
Also, there's a little piece of branch under one of the wired branches that I think I will try to jin when I decide the time is right to attempt that aspect of bonsai crafting.
1. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?
Started an office job. Basically, I'm this guy, but less dancefully talented:
And probably less eloquently upset about the whole thing. Oh, and my ties are definitely not as cool.1
Felt an earthquake happen. That was new and something I'd like to never experience again even if it were one as slight as that thank you very much.
2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Looking back at last year's resolutions,2 I've been almost moderately successful; I've [redacted] only, like, twice3 and I spent more time writing in 2010.4 Still a selfish pail of turpentine, unfortunately.5 This year? Use more footnotes!6 Write more, create more. Be better, be less disappointing.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
R. & E. had a baby. So I'm some sort of uncle or something.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Nope.
5. What countries did you visit?
I live underground and I work in the sky. You figure it out.
6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
A job that I enjoy on at least some level.7 At least one completed work of something - you know: writing, music - that sort of thing.8 A self that I can genuinely enjoy.
7. What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
March 29. G.'s birthday and my first day at the new job.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Getting a less shitty job, I'd say. That's it. I wasn't all that full of achievement.9
9. What was your biggest failure?
Not writing more, not creating things, not doing anything good in a creative sense.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nothing serious.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
I didn't buy much in 2010 that wasn't food- or drink-related that I can remember, though I did make an order with NH to get all the CB and DSO albums I didn't own. It hasn't arrived yet, though. Oh, and a few books, no doubt.
13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
Mine, at times. Probably not appalled, though, as that, to me, sort of carries with it the idea of, like, surprise and, man, am I ever not surprising.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Rent, vet bills, food, booze, student loans.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
G. Sam and Hailey.
16. What songs will always remind you of 2010?
Rites of Spring - "For Want Of"; 'cause it's awesome and it gets played frequently because of that simple fact. Darkthrone - "Circle the Wagons"; 'cause Darkthrone is Darkthrone. And new Darkthrone is Darkthrone. And that means awesome.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Happier. Yup. b) thinner or fatter? About the same, I'm pretty sure. Firmer, though. c) richer or poorer? Richer; my new job paid (very) slightly more than the previous one. And, as of January 1, or so I was told on January 6, it'll pay slightly more on top of that. Decent. Oh, and more student loan is paid off. So, less debt = richer, right? Right.
18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Cool things. Writing - I spend so much time sitting at my computer not writing. Why don't I turn some of that time into sitting at my computer writing?11
Spent it in the comfort of The Cave.13 It was a wonderfully relaxed, too short holiday.
21. Did you fall in love in 2010?
over and over and over and profoundly and achingly and14
22. How many one-night stands?
23. What was your favourite TV program?
Breaking Bad and DS9 and Flight of the Conchords and Kids in the Hall.15
24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Don't think so.
25. What was the best book you read?
I re-read both: Only Revolutions by Mark 16 Danielewski Jimmy Corrigan, The Smartest Kid on Earth by Chris Ware because they are amazing amazing amazing works.
Great first-time reads: Gut Symmetries by Jeanette Winterson (100% my favourite writer.) A Supposedly Fun Thing I'll Never Do Again by David Foster Wallace The Famished Road by Ben Okri All the King's Men by Robert Penn Warren Market Day by James Sturm Midnight's Children by Salman Rushdie Gob's Grief by Chris Adrian Gravity's Rainbow by Thomas Pynchon
26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I got myself a last.fm subscription, so I heard so many new bands17 that I don't even know.
27. What did you want and get?
A better job.
28. What did you want and not get?
An enjoyable job. Publication
29. What was your favourite film of this year?
My Best Fiend.
Which gave me this:
Thank you, Mr. Herzog (and, obviously, Mr. Kinski, too).
30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 28. I had a wonderfully relaxed day at home, spending time with G.18
31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
I'm gonna second G.'s answer and say: healthy Sam.
32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
Tight pants and tighter underwear.
33. What kept you sane?
G. and Sam and Hailey.
34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
35. What political issue stirred you the most?
Toronto's municipal election.
36. Who did you miss?
Family. J&E
37. Who was the best new person you met?
38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010?
Have you ever thought that, since you had to sit in front of your workplace desk on a Saturday morning, that it'd be a great idea to bring—instead of a lunch, since your workday usually finishes pretty early—a few snacks in your typical Tupperware sandwich container, perhaps still filled with the crumbs of yesterday's sandwich (which was painfully bereft of peanut butter as your workplace is one of those nightmare, bizarro worlds known as Peanut Free [sadly not referring to the price you pay for peanuts here] Workplaces)? Well, I have!
And, well, let me tell you, let me provide you with a handy little tip; I'll give you a moment here—don't worry: I'll wait; go! grab your pen and your piece of paper or piece of fabric, scrap of cloth, receipt, bare skin.
Okay! Ready? Here it is, folks: don't take a cheese string. Have you ever eaten a warm, soft, shudder-inducingly malleable cheese string (I'm sure I can think of at least one person reading this who could probably answer yes to this question...)? It's so not worth it. It's so rubbery; I can't even properly describe the experience. I kind of expected it to turn to some sort of living, moving sludge in my mouth. It was almost horrifying. But, damn it, it was still tasty. But don't do it. For the sake of your mental health. Eat 'em cold. Eat 'em cold.
